User:Sandwichman2448/Saga of the Bucket

''A Felkarr Fan fiction about the stealing of buckets. Credit goes where credit is due.''

Tuskarr are known to worship various bucket-like icons and relics, as part of their culture. The felkarr, fallen tuskarr who live in the insidious settlement of Underkaskala, deep within a hidden island off of southwestern Northrend, do not has any buckets. The felkarr were very jealous of the tuskarr's buckets, and they grew tired of the hated tuskarr possessing it, so they planned to steal it for themselves. The felkarr were also board because Kil'jaeden was banished and no longer giving them any orders or salmon, so they needed something to do.

Meanwhile, a party of felkarr found a gnomish village in the Borean Tundra. The felkarr laughed at the gnomes, and easily destroyed the village, keeping the gnomes as slaves and food. They used the kidnapped mages and warlocks of the gnome slaves (that they had not eaten yet) to try and make them, the mighty felkarr, their own Bucket. The gnomes were not powerful enough, so they could only create 'lesser buckets'. One gnome, the powerful mage Zaoza the Overpowering, escaped and told Mekkatorque what had happened. The gnome king was outraged, but he did not have the power to stop the felkarr.

So, the felkarr, lead by the traitorous tuskarr Bob the Bucket Thief of Kaskala, disguised themselves as tuskarr and attacked Kaskala where the Bucket was being held. For, after the Tuskstones fell, demons had nothing to fear from entering the city. As they went towards the sacred Bucket, the felkarr were stripped of their disguises and assaulted by the tuskarr. Though the felkarr kicked the tuskarr's blubbery asses, the 'reeped out' tuskarr sorcerers channeled the energies of the Bucket to temperately banish the felkarr from all tuskarr lands. Angry at their failure, Bob and his friends got into a fit of brooding rage, and stormed off back to Underkaskala.

Angered by his minion’s failure, the demonic pimp magician David Blaine himself, and some felkarr infiltrators disguised as tuskarr, rode into Kaskala on their massive felprawns. David announced to the whole city to watch him as he eats his own head. Stunned, the whole city gathered to meet him in the square, while the infiltrators opened a portal and chucked the Bucket into it. At this, David did the trick, and then fled into another portal back to his dark island. When the tuskarr went back to what they were doing/eating, they noticed that the Bucket was missing. "Noooo they be stealin' my Bucket!" the tuskarr howled as their most blessed treasure was taken from them. Also, all the remaining gnomes around the town were kidnapped (for the felkarr's celebration feast).

When Mekkatorque heard what had happened, he sent an army to help the tuskarr look for the felkarr. The gnomes have long known the felkarr were evil to their kind, using them for evil (yet tasty) purposes and as slaves. Now they had a chance to strike back.

Now hasing the Bucket, the felkarr forced their gnome slaves to make proper copies out of the main one to guard their island. But Zaoza, his hatred of the tuskarr burning inside him, witnessed the second felkarr attack and sent the annoying and over-zealous gnome commando Criss Angel to hide within the ranks of the captured gnomes as they were taken away. That night, while the Felkarr held their nightly gnome feast (still tasty and chewy), Zaoza's minion stole back the bucket and started to swim back to Kaskala.

David Blaine found out about this (being awesome) and summoned the massive King of Felsharks. A while ago, all species of sharks on Azeroth sided with the felkarr. It happened while David Blaine was trying to hold his breath for 8 minutes and he came upon the Shark King. The Shark King was a huge fan of David and tired of his people getting pushed around, so the sharks were demonically empowered and became fierce allies of the felkarr. David Blaine commanded that the felsharks were to hunt down Zaoza the Overpowering and the precious Bucket be returned to the felkarr. The Lord of the Sandwiches, apparently a felkarr, overheard his leader and requested that the felkarr army be rallied to assault the gnomes and tuskarr as well. David, still full of gnome, needed to digest a while, so he told The Lord to wait.

Criss Angel swam as fast as he could through the freezing sea with Bucket in tiny hand. The felsharks were gaining fast, eager to intercept him. He looked back and saw their king leap out of the water shouting "My client haz informed me Ur in pozession of his bucket!". Chriss swam harder. He knew the Bucket was the only thing that could stop the felkarr.

Angel did have some sort of magical power being, among other things, a magician. He used some of his playing cards to attack the sharks while he fled. Zoom! An ace of spades decapitated a shark, and two of the six felshark pursuers went to eat the body. Whoosh! A seven of clubs and a six of hearts both got another shark in the gills, that shark just stopped and sunk. Criss could now see the shore; he knew he would be safe once he reached it. The leader of the pack came out of nowhere and was just about to swallow the gnome whole, when a tuskarr (ever invincible fishermen) hurled at a harpoon at the beast. The King of Felsharks roared in pain, and he fled back to his master. Criss was safe.

Criss coolly walked up to shore where he could see Mekkatorque and Hrak'kar standing at the top of a sand bar. Some guards came out with nice dry towels and gave them to him. He declined and used his magic to whoosh himself dry with air. Dried up and calm now that the felsharks were gone, Angel gave the bucket to the giant tuskarr leader who nodded in thanks. Hrak'kar offered to give Criss Angel some golden seashells, but Angel declined saying he was a magician and a commando, so he could not accept money (but he of course used his magic and slick rogue spells to take maybe 1 or 2...). At this, the gnomes and tuskarr walked back to their base with Angel. Meanwhile, the sharks were making it back to their master.

Thirty minutes later, the Shark King arrived back at Underkaskala and told David Blaine what had happened. "What!!!" The pimpest-lord screamed, "That midget escaped! I can't believe you overgrown goldfish couldn’t catch him! I made you what you are now, and I can return you to what you were…" At this, an enormous red skinned felkarr beside Blaine placed a glowing hand on the Felshark King, who then shrunk back to nothing more then a dwarf hammerhead. The being took his hand off of the poor fish, who had returned to normal.

"Men!!" Blaine called as he ate the former King, "…and sharks… prepare for battle! The blood of the tuskarr and flesh of the gnomes will make quite a feast!!!!' The other felkarr started to laugh maniacally as they and the sharks left to put on their armor. The next day, in the Borean Tundra, on an enormous plain of lichen, the armies of gnomes and tuskarr met. A mile away at the shore, some armored felkarr-mounted felsharks and gnomish subs were preparing to do battle. A bright flash appeared on the coast as the main felkarr army teleported directly to the mainland. At the front of the felkarr's forces was David Blaine, clad in sleek gold, dark iron, and felsteel armor with an enormous staff in one hand and a massive club in the other.

Blaine had a slightly perturbed look on his face, yet an evil grin started to appear as the tiny army he was expecting could be seen marching on the horizon. He grinned even more, and then turned to discuss battle plans with The Lord of the Sandwiches. "The remaining felsharks will devour the canned ones" said the felkarr ruler gesturing to the submarine fleet, "And we will take the ones on land. Oh, and I brought some 'allies'."

Felkarr necrolytes brought out a huge bag of dragon bones, and began to create frost wyrms out of them, as felkarr warlocks start summoning the demons they bought on Ebay. David gestured, and some coffins with elven writing on them were wheeled in by the felprawns. In them were five bodies of dead elves. These particular elves used to be windriders from Quel'Danas (why do you think there are none in WoW?). The necrolytes quickly brought the windriders into undeath to ride the frost wyrms, and use their aerial skills to crush the opposing forces.

David Blaine, pimp as ever, gave a speech and the felkarr started to march. He himself had brought out his Four Wheels of Fury to crush the gnomes' soft bodies for a nice broth for him to eat later. Both armies charged. Shadow Bolts and bullets flew. Thousand of harpoons came from both sides, and many fell.

"Send the seals first!" The Lord of the Sandwiches yelled. The felkarr summoned their Blood Seals: seals that sided with the felkarr in return for not getting clubbed anymore. The seals charged, their screams echoing throughout the tundra. Zaoza laughed and sent his Auto-Clubber 9000s to deal with them. The gnomish robots made quick work of the seals (as they are just red, not stronger). David gave an evil laugh as he witnessed the attack go according to plan. He shot a ball of darkness strait up into the air as he drove along. All the gnomes and tuskarr watched as the ball exploded into a rain of spiked clubs, 100 for every dead blood seal. Over half of the gnomes and tuskarr were slaughtered in Revenge.

"Why did you do that?!" Hrak'kar screamed to the embarrassed Zaoza, "They were just baby seals!" Zaoza looked for an answer. There was not one. Now hating the felkarr more than he did two minutes ago, Zaoza blinked into battle to meet David Blaine in single combat.