User:Bigstackstwo/What Cataclysm is not

World of Warcraft: Cataclysm is the third World of Warcraft expansion pack developed by Blizzard Entertainment. That much needs to be said. Since questions are too frequently asked, here is What Cataclysm is not, and a quick overview of the features that will not be introduced in 3.5 4.0.

What World of Warcraft: Cataclysm is/has/did NOT

 * It is not a type of feline.
 * It is not happy for you and it will not let you finish.
 * It has not forgotten. It has not forgiven.
 * World of Warcraft: Cataclysm is not World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade.
 * It is not World of Warcraft.
 * It is not a regular game patch.
 * It is not playable without Wrath of the Lich King.
 * Yo dawg, it did NOT hear you like chins, so it didn't put Varian's chin with Deathwing's chin, so you can't chintercept while you chintercept.
 * It is not playable without The Burning Crusade.
 * It is not playable without World of Warcraft.
 * It is not playable without an internet connection. Nor a computer for that matter.
 * It is not playable using a truck. It is however playable using a series of tubes.
 * Blizzard is not responsible for latency issues caused by clogged tubes. Please consult a professional plumber.
 * It is not free of software bugs.
 * It is not the Wrath of the Lich Queen.
 * It is not World of Warcraft: Catastrophe.
 * It is not introducing the Bard class.
 * It is not Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.
 * It is not World of Warcraft: Wrath of the B**** Queen
 * It is not World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Leech King.
 * It is not World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Leet King.
 * It is not World of Warcraft: The Emerald Dream (neither in a regular dream nor an emerald one).
 * It is not World of Warcraft: The Freezing Crusade.
 * It is not World of Warcraft: The Flaming Crusade.
 * It is not World of Warcraft: Wrath of Deathwing.
 * It is not World of Warcraft 2.
 * It is not Spaceballs: The World of Warcraft Expansion
 * It is not Diablo 3.
 * It is not going to give you The 4 Ring -- or is it?.
 * It is not available to buy until late 2010.
 * It is not set in a deep home.
 * It is not after your Frosted Lucky Charms.
 * It is not food. Do not swallow World of Warcraft: Cataclysm. (In case of ingestion, induce vomiting and contact a poison control center immediately.)
 * It is not dead, mon.
 * It is not "The Fastest Mouse In All Mehico".
 * It is not "Real Life", or whatever they call it.
 * It is not the holy grail.
 * It is not a shrubbery.
 * It is not another shrubbery.
 * It is not the "Path of Illumination".
 * It is not blasphemy.
 * It is not madness. No, not Sparta either.
 * It is not the cow level.
 * It is not going to give you up, let you down run around and/or desert you
 * It is not going to make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie and/or hurt you.
 * It is not the Nowhere Man, sitting in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
 * It is not renaming the WTF folder.
 * It certainly is not cricket.
 * It is not firin' it's lazah!
 * It is not a trap.
 * It is not your father.
 * It is not what she said.
 * It is not the juggernaut, *****.
 * It is not able to speak; In the event World of Warcraft: Cataclysm does speak, Blizzard asks that you please disregard its advice.
 * It is not 42. OR IS IT?!

Platforms
Cataclysm will not be available on the following platforms:


 * Nintendo Wii
 * Sony PlayStation 3
 * Xbox 360
 * Gameboy Pocket
 * Gameboy Color
 * Virtual Boy
 * Atari 2600
 * Atari 5200
 * Nokia N-Gage
 * AmigaOS (Unlike Warcraft II)
 * Windows Mobile 6.0
 * Sega Dreamcast
 * Tiger game.com
 * Macintosh Performa
 * Apple iPhone
 * MSDOS
 * Teddy Ruxpin
 * Sega 3DO
 * Panasonic FZ-1
 * Microsoft Windows 97
 * Adventurevision
 * NEC TurboDuo

Zones and dungeons
The following zones and dungeons will not be added in the Cataclysm expansion pack. This means you will not be able to access them, quest in them, find and/or kill mobs in them, level up in them, stay online idle in them, trade items in them, cyborz in them, spam Chuck Norris/Dirge/Your Mom/That's What She said jokes in them, or more generally play in them:
 * Emerald Dream
 * Bikini Bottom
 * Pandaria
 * Gillijim's Isle
 * Island of Doctor Lapidis
 * Magrathea
 * Tubbytronic Superdome
 * South Park, Colorado
 * Quahog, Rhode Island
 * Springfield
 * Cliffs of Dover
 * Dracul's House
 * Light Portal (A portal made by pallies and priests. Used to enter the magical Unicorn world)
 * Gullah Gullah Island
 * Great Dark
 * Twisting Nether
 * Upside-down Karazhan
 * Krikkit
 * Hyboria
 * Southrend (Though Goblins DO start at Kezan, which COULD be nicknamed "Southrend".)
 * Azerrizzoth
 * Wumpa Islands
 * Appeture Labs

Professions
The following professions will not be introduced:
 * Sapper (or anything else related to suicide and Leeroy Jenkins)
 * Woodcutter
 * Hairdresser
 * Professional dancer
 * Hobo
 * Bounty Hunter
 * Plastic Surgeon
 * Cartographer
 * Lawgiver
 * Haberdasher (Nor is it possible to have died in a haberdashery accident)
 * Tauren Skinner
 * Spirit Healer

Hero classes
The following hero classes will not be playable at the release of WotLK:
 * Archmage
 * Blademaster
 * Leeroy Jenkins
 * Saurfang
 * Chris Metzen
 * Charley the Unicorn
 * Chuck Norris
 * Dark Knight
 * Demon hunter
 * Dead Knight
 * Death's Knight
 * Deathwing
 * Daeth Knihgt
 * Death Night
 * Defnite
 * Deaf Knight
 * Def Leppard
 * Death Nite
 * Death Note
 * Death Eater
 * Death Kite
 * Donkey Kong
 * Gandalf
 * GM
 * Lich King
 * William Shatner
 * Verne Troyer
 * Mr. T
 * Night Elf Mohawk... oh wait.
 * Vagrant
 * Mankrik's Wife
 * Lumberjack
 * King Varian Wrynn
 * Garrosh Hellscream

Races
The following will not be player-playable races at the release of Cataclysm:
 * Walrus Dudes Tuskarr
 * Pandaren
 * Penguin
 * Furbolg
 * Forest Troll
 * Felkarr
 * Naga
 * Ogre
 * Kobold
 * Sand Gnome
 * Murloc
 * Pygmy Gnome
 * Crab People Makrura
 * Naaru
 * Dremora
 * Rain Dears
 * Santa
 * Vogons
 * Uruk-hai
 * Beagle
 * Spiderman Nerubians
 * ponies. /cry
 * Undead Scourge
 * Burning Legion
 * Gnoll
 * Satyr
 * Forum Troll
 * Philanderer
 * lolcat
 * More elves but with different skin colors
 * Klingon
 * Gronn
 * Ethereal

Content that may not be introduced in future patches
The following content will not only not be included in the retail version of Cataclysm, but will also likely not appear through content patches once the expansion has been released.
 * Druid "Legendary Flight Form"
 * The long-lost "Paladin" hero class.
 * Hogger recast as the world-controlling end-game raid boss hidden behind the Icecrown Glacier.
 * The very-requested stop of Gamon´s eternal agony.
 * Hunter-tamed mounts
 * Directions to Mankrik's Wife
 * Mage spell "Summon Scorpions"
 * Gnome punting range (although Blizzard is developing Gnome Punting Teams...not really but wouldn't that be great?)
 * Dwarf tossing.
 * Toyota "Four Wheels of Fury" Epic Truck Mounts... for there are no trucks in World of Warcraft.
 * The "Cenarion Square" faction.

Image of what Cataclysm is not
This is not quite Cataclysm, but almost.

Other features
In Soviet Russia, the following content will not see you:
 * The level cap will not be increased to 90.
 * The level cap will not be increased to OVER 9000!!!!
 * The world map shown at BlizzCon will not be the final map.
 * There will not be a cow level there.
 * The Demon Soul...it will not...
 * One will not simply walk into Deepholme.

And most importantly... and... Lets not forget... There must always be... a DEATHWING....
 * YOU WILL NOT BE PREPARED! ™
 * YOU FACE NOT DEATHWING ALONE, BUT THE LEGIONS Cultists  Matches  LOBSTER MEN  HE COMMANDS! ™

Inspiration
User:Adys/What Wrath of the Lich King is not